If I am asking you, my friends to open up and have a dialogue of honesty about your relationships and life, then you must expect the same of me. So, I will periodically post entries from my journal and thoughts from daily life. This particular one is from December 30, 2011 a little over a month after my wife filled for divorce. This entry was written as I traveled to New York for New Years. As always, I welcome comments.
December 30, 2011
How appropriate that I am on a plane to New York to be with Dan to celebrate the start of a new year and the inevitable return to a single life. Thinking back to a time nearly sixteen years ago, I was moving to New York excited and scared of wait lay ahead. I had stayed awake the entire night before my 6:30am flight partying with friends and my sister. The adrenaline of what I was undertaking kept me wired all night. I was leaving my family, my friends, all I had known. I was embarking on an incredible journey. I only knew one person in New York. No job. No apartment. Just a duffle bag and a couch to crash on in Hells Kitchen. Looking out the window I pause with wonder of how far I have come. How much I have experienced. The distances I have physically and emotionally traveled, but how amazingly far I must now go. New York will forever hold a special place, it was the sanctuary that provided the catalyst for discovering me. A place for rebirth.
Moving to New York in 1996, I was fleeing an inevitable future. I longed for adventure, new experiences, exploration and to be lost in the crowd. Just another face. Traveling there now I am filled with excitement, lust, longing to feel the energy of the street. The power of the city. To again be just another face in the crowd. The thought of escape, anonymity was intoxicating. No back story. No future script. Just being. However, as I speak of the aloneness and oneness of me, my psychological DNA is forever changed. Not because of my wife choosing to leave me, but because of my children. The essence of me will forever be intertwined – woven without separation from the psychological and physical being of my children. A gift of unmeasurable joy and strength. There are times when I will write of being along, feeling alone, experiencing alone, but do not mistake this for wanting to be truly alone. I am forever connected in mind, spirit and body to Levi and Georgia. My children have given me the gift of heavenly joy and blinding happiness. A gift of fatherhood. Their laugh, smile, frown all energize my soul. I hope and pray one day my children will undrestand the intense and uncompromising love I posses for them. They are truly my life force.
Back to my New York Trip….Yes I am going back and it feels kinda like I am on my way to meet an old girlfriend for drinks. Random thoughts and questions fill my head. The sex was great, but we fought like Hell. Maybe that’s why the sex was so good. Will there be a spark? Is she still hot? Will it be weird? The breakup was premature. Or, was it? Will there be a kiss at the end of the night, or an awkward hug? The ding of the fasten seatbelt sign pulls me back to the present. The pilot announces we are on final approach to JFK. Better buckle up it could be a rough landing.