Following are excerpts from a variety of journal entries over a couple of days, beginning on January 28, 2012. The flow is a bit chopping and I apologize but when in the midst of loosing your family your mind is broken.
Beginning of my journal entries.
Unless you have undergone the pain and challenge of divorce you truly have no earthly idea of the river of emotions you have to navigate. Today I am having to ride some really rough water. I am sitting in Starbucks having coffee and collecting my thoughts. I have to meet a realtor to discuss selling my home. I can’t believe this day has arrived. To sell the home where my son was a baby and my daughter is still in diapers crawling around on the hardwood floors. Silly to be emotionally connected to a home, right? Crazy to have feelings for an old home that needs a whole bunch of work? Guess I am a bit crazy with emotion for this was the home where I wanted to watch my children to grow. Sip wine relaxing on the patio I built brick by brick watching my kids play. Images of grilling hotdogs, cutting the grass, running through the sprinkler, catching a baseball, are gone.
My father would remind me, “that which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” and “Hardtimes build character.” Well, I have enough f’ing character and I feel like the Hulk. What people sometimes forget is that it’s not about the adult getting divorced, it’s about the children. That’s the cause of the blinding and crippling pain. The thought of what this is going to do to my children nearly kills me.
Moving out of the family home and now putting the home on the market is all part of the process of erasing a 10 year marriage and 12 year relationship. Questions continually run through my head. My waking moments are filled with a never ending internal dialogue. Why doesn’t she love me? What did I do? What could I have done? Did she ever love me? Why would she do this to our family? Will I ever be the same? Why am loosing my family? On and on and on…..
I was printing pictures today of my kids to hang on the walls of my rental home. I am always a bit overwhelmed with the intense feeling of love for my children. It flows through me, surrounds me and squeezes me. This climax of love is quickly followed by a jolt of sadness. My two wonderfully sweet and innocent children have no choice in their family breaking up. My daughter won’t remember her mother and father living together. In a twisted sort of way I guess it could be viewed as a positive. My son will be forever changed by the divorce. I can already see how his budding personality, loving nature is not the same. I will never forget sitting at the dinning room table about an hour after my wife told me she wanted a divorce. Her parents where siting at the table as well. I was of course extremely upset and saying how Levi will never be the same. How this will forever affect him. It will scar him. My wife and her mother, backing each other up both said, that he would be fine. This would not affect him. That kids are resilient. Wow, they wrong in a colossal way. My desire to provide a loving and normal home is what get’s me up and out of bed each day. Keeps me going. Their smiles and laughter is the most amazing drug in the world. They give me pure happiness. As I deal with the myriad of emotions each day, I wonder if I will ever know the “why” for my wife feeling compelled to break up our family. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. On a couple of chardonnay fueled nights toward the end she twisted the knife rather hard by proclaiming she didn’t love me. One particular lovely evening she took a sip of chard, looked me straight in the eye and announced that she actually never loved me. That was a Fun night.
Yeah, we tried the therapist route but she decided she was done and stopped attending, against the wishes of the doctor. That was a rather significant red flag. I will likely never know the true reason though I have some pretty solid ideas. I would be happy to share them with you over a few short glasses tall on ice and long on Jack. The only fact I know for sure is that I will never stop fighting to be with my children.
The process of having to go to court in order to fight for the right, the number of days you the father has with your children is beyond the realm of frustration and madness. This is one of the joys of being the man/father fighting the legal system of divorce. I was told by my attorney this is a normal part of the process. The question of why my wife broke up the family is not as powerful as why she would not automatically grant me fifty-fighty physical custody of my children. The reason most ex-wives haggle over custody for the children is to get more money out of the dad. I wish I had more money to negotiate but that’s just not the case. I truly never in my darkest nightmares dreamt I would have to explain to an attorney and the courts why I am entitled to be with my children fifty percent of their lives. When being deposed, my wife’s attorney actually asked me why I thought I should have my kids fifty percent of the time. It took every ounce of control not to jump across the table and pick him up by his scrawny neck. Talk about making your blood boil. Whew! Breath slow. Deep breaths.