I will periodically post entries from my journal and thoughts from daily life. This particular entry was written while on a plane traveling to New York to spend a few days with my dearest friend Dan. My wife had recently filed for divorced and I was in search of clarity. Looking for answers. Disclaimer: Please excuse a slight lack of structure. After all, it is a journal entry.
Journal Entry December 30, 2011
How appropriate that I am on a plane to New York to be with Dan to celebrate the start of a new year and the inevitable return to single life. Thinking back to a time nearly seventeen years ago, I was moving to New York excited and scared of what lay ahead. I had stayed awake the entire night before my 6:30 am flight celebrating with friends and my sister. The adrenaline of what I was undertaking kept me wired all night. I was leaving my family, my friends, a girlfriend, and all I had known. I was embarking on an incredible journey. I only knew one person in New York. No job. No apartment. I brought with me an army surplus duffle bag bursting at the seems and an invitation to crash on a friend’s couch in Hells Kitchen. A small one bedroom brownstone on West 47th Street and 8th Avenue. Little did I know I was embarking on one of the most exciting and meaningful chapters in my life. Looking out the window of the plane, I pause with wonder of how far I had come. How much I had experienced. The distances I had physically and emotionally traveled. New York will forever be a special place. It was the sanctuary that provided the catalyst for discovering me, finding myself. Learning to be alone. Welcoming the solitude amongst millions. A place for rebirth and rediscovery. I ordered a Jack and coke from the flight attendant. Sipping deep I sank further into images and thoughts of the summer of 1996, the summer I moved to New York.
I was fleeing an inevitable future. I longed for adventure, new experiences, exploration and to be lost in the crowd. Just another face. Traveling there now I am filled with excitement, lust, longing to inhale the energy of the street. The power of the city. To again be just another face in the crowd. The thought of escape, anonymity was intoxicating. No back story. No future script. Just being. However, as I speak of the aloneness and oneness of me, my psychological DNA is forever changed. Not because of my wife choosing to leave me, but because of my children. The essence of me will forever be intertwined – woven without separation from the psychological and physical being of my children. A gift of unmeasurable joy and strength. There are times when I will write of being along, feeling alone, experiencing solitude, but do not mistake this for sadness, darkness, selfish-loneliness, or pity. I am forever connected in mind, spirit and body to Levi and Georgia. My children have given me the gift of heavenly joy and blinding happiness. A gift of fatherhood. Their laugh, smile and frown all energize my soul. I hope and pray one day my children will undrestand the intense and uncompromising love I possess for them. They are truly my life force.
Yes I am going back to New York and it feels as if I am on my way to meet an old girlfriend for drinks. A flash-flood of thoughts and questions overload my mind. The sex was great, but we fought like Hell. Maybe that’s why the sex was so good? Will there be a spark? Is she still hot? Will it be awkward? Will she still have feelings? Will there be a kiss at the end of the night, or an awkward hug? The ding of the fasten seatbelt sign pulls me back to the present. The pilot announces we are on final approach to JFK. I sit up pulling my seatbelt tight. I have a feeling the landing might be a bit rough.